Attention wannabe ballers, and those who wish to speak to a manager: your Badillac has arrived; all nineteen feet of it. Yes, stretching 229.9 inches in length and riding on 22-inch wheels, this Cadillac Escalade ESV Platinum is ready to show up the other soccer moms and show the world you’ve truly made it.

Of course, making it only goes so far when those in the know may find it a stretch to call a used Escalade the pinnacle of automotive luxury in a space crowded by european luxury marques, but it’s hard to deny that the Cadillac Escalade doesn’t represent the paradigm for American success, opulence and rap videos, quality of the interior plastics be damned. And when it comes comes down to it, you can rest assured knowing there’s nothing more expensive than a cheap used european car and nothing cheaper than a used expensive American car. So let those euro snobs turn their noses up at you for driving a glorified Suburban; you won’t care, you’ll be at the helm of the leather lined and wood trimmed Platinum as they yet again find themselves roadside waiting for another tow to the nearest service center for another four figure repair bill tied to all that German engineering they love to brag about.

You’ll simply mash the throttle and release over 400 horsepower from the Cadillac’s 6.2 liter small block V8, rocketing you to 60 in just over 6 seconds leaving those in your wake wishing to be back in the back of your Cadillac. And with four dvd screens, heated genuine aniline leather reclining bucket seats and its own climate controls, who could blame them? The rear of Platinum is an oasis from the outside world. Bose 5.1 Surround sound and noise cancelling technology makes it the perfect place to kick back and watch the scenery roll by, whether you do so in solitude or with the speakers thumping.

Up front is where the real magic happens however, as you’ll find yourself swaddled in all the modern luxury accouterments you could possibly desire. In addition to your love handles being heated and cooled upon a leather thrown, you’ll find heated and cooled cup holders, a heated steering wheel, and an eight inch infotainment system with satellite radio, traffic updates, navigation and more. Truly, there may be no better place to be.

Across the dash lies slabs of authentic olive ash and burled walnut wood trim that would have a beaver salivating. And while we’re not advocating for the use of an Escalade as a beaver trapper, we’re not denying it’s not a bad idea either. We trust your judgement.

Simply put, the Badillac makes driving effortless as you roll along in your isolated cocoon of luxury. Automatic high beams ignite the night utilizing the five tier LED headlamps while an advanced Magnetic Ride Control suspension measures the road thousands of times a second, or about as often as you measure your manhood as an Escalade ESV owner. No it won’t get any bigger, but that variable ride just keeps getting better as you float down the road off to the beaver trapping convention.

Long story short? We’re selling our fully loaded 2014 Cadillac Escalade ESV Platinum Edition with just over 106k miles for $27k. Stop by American Renegade and see what you’ve been missing.